The Jalapeno Incident

I'm kind of fond of referring to myself as "spicy." But generally when I say that I'm spicy, I'm referring to my sizzling personality and not the fact that my skin is literally hot and burning. Yesterday that all changed.

I don't claim to be Julia Child or anything, but I can usually find my way around the kitchen. I'm at least smart enough to understand that the little seeds inside jalapenos are hot and that it's generally recommended that they be removed prior to cooking.

So last night I set out to make cream cheese and jalapeno stuffed burgers (think jalapeno popper inside a cheeseburger). I'm on the phone with my mom, yakking away, while simultaneously trying to seed and dice four jalapeno peppers. Because I had just cooked with a couple jalapenos from this same batch the night before, I didn't perceive them to be even remotely lethal enough to warrant a precaution like kitchen gloves; not that I would have worn them regardless.

Though I have no recollection of doing so, I must have inadvertently touched the delicate skin between my nose and my upper lip because all the sudden I'm talking about the St. Louis real estate market and realize that my skin feels like it might spontaneously combust. Believing that I could just wipe away the burning with a washcloth (totally logical, right?), I ran into the dark bathroom and grabbed the first one I could find. As the case may be, however, I live with three mammals who are each covered in black fur, some of which was left for safe keeping on my washcloth, and some of which subsequently ended up in my mouth. Naturally, I stuck in a couple jalapeno flavored fingers to fish it out. Can you see where this is going?

So my tongue is on fire, I'm choking on fur, I still haven't washed the jalapeno off my hands, and I'm endeavoring to continue the conversation with Mom. In the meantime, the burning around my nose has escalated to at least three alarms. In a panic, and realizing that my own internet is out because Jack is fixing it, I ask my mom what I can do to make it stop. She suggests a baking soda and water paste. Unfortunately that ended up being about as effective at putting out the burn as a gentle spring breeze would be at putting out a bonfire. So she hops online and starts rattling off various home remedies (mentioning more than once that an ER visit may be required).


When it was all said and done, I had applied all of the following items to my face:

• Baking soda
• Peroxide
• Bleach
• Milk
• Water
• Olive oil
• Astringent (Apparently I don't keep rubbing alcohol in stock, but being the resourceful little girl scout I am, I recognized that the primary ingredient in astringent is alcohol and thought it would have the same effect. As the case may be, however, all the secondary ingredients combined to elevate my burning schnozz to four alarms.)
  

It's kind of a wonder I didn't give myself chemical burns on top of everything. Relief was had only after I soaked a (clean) washcloth in milk and pressed it onto my face for about ten minutes. Ever so slowly, the burning began to subside, but thanks to the combination of crap I'd applied to my nose, I looked a little like I'd gotten a selective sunburn on top of a really bad cold and was forced to blow my nose on cheap kleenexes that I was also allergic to. I think the most appropriate adjectives would have been "red" and "bulbous."

Meanwhile, putting that aforementioned kitchen prowess to work, I reasoned that I could reduce the potency of my apparently toxic jalapenos by sauteing them in a little olive oil. Besides, I already had it out and it seemed like a better idea than cooking them in milk or peroxide. However, for scientific reasons far too complicated for this journalism major to understand, cooking my peppers actually caused them to release their spicy vapors into the air in my apartment, which sent my dog running out onto the deck for fresh air while my eyes teared up and Jack (hacking up a lung) managed to choke out, "Rachel, what the hell are you cooking in there?"

When it was all said and done I had managed to burn my nose, tongue, husband, dog, fingers, lungs and the side of my face (apparently the eau de jalapeno also got on my phone because the side of my cheek and chin where my phone had been pressed continued burning for about an hour after I hung up). For whatever it's worth, though, the burgers turned out really good. Perfectly spicy. Kind of like me. :)